Ma Petite

I can feel that oh so dreaded anger boiling up inside of me again. It reminds me of a place I was at in my mind last year when I lost control of my emotions. Last year I was reprimanded rightfully for my actions and it taught me a huge lesson that had never occurred to me prior.  I just DO NOT want to go back to that. And over the past year I have done a great job of bottling myself.  But is bottling the right way to go? There must be a healthier way of dealing things without having to get so frustrated.  I am saddened sometimes that there is no one that truly gets why I go from 0 to 60 so fast because it feels so alone.  And because it feels so alone people do not understand it and they might look at me differently. Deep down I know I am a great person.  Why can I not stop this bottle from bursting sometimes? 

I am the luckiest girl in the world for the people I have been honored to have as my soulmates.  Yet there is something inside of me that only I know and only I can handle. I guess for now I need to find a better way to deal and calm the fuck down (for a lack of better terms). I often look to my childhood to find answers to these questions that keep me tossing and turning at night. I was so frustrated as a child, never feeling heard but always feeling regret. My childhood was that of an average child, it wasn’t the greatest and it wasn’t the worst. My parents didn’t beat me, they weren’t drug addicts, they did the best they could to love me (at least one of them did) but yet there has always been something missing with that relationship.  I look to other people and the way they are with their parents and I always feel this pang of emptiness. I doubt I will ever have that real closeness that many people have.  That closeness for me has always been with my friends.  They are the people that get most of me and love most of me. Without them I do not know where I would be. I would be a lot more lost than I am now.

As I sit here and write this I feel sad and am getting a little bit teary eyed because for the first time in a long time I am being honest with myself. I am often afraid of the truth because sometimes it hurts more.

Is it bad karma to not do what you want to do? Or to hold onto things that do not truly make you happy?